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Whoa. What an event-filled week this was.

With the struggles I faced on Wednesday, it was a great time to put into practice being more compassionate towards myself. Whether this be in the small changes in my mental outlook or in actual acts of love and self-care, I think this overreaching idea of self-compassion was my biggest accomplishment of the past week. Slowly but surely (fingers crossed!) will this become second nature for me.

Linking up with Meghan to detail the other happenings of the week:



Went to Starbucks twice in one week. The first was spent catching up with my dear friend and former roomie. We try to meet up at least once a month and I've grown to appreciate our time together even if it's just an hour or two. Not-so-low-key also went to Starbucks to get bonus stars and earn 'em rewards.

Buying butter(!!!) for the first time in AGES. Uhhh, whaaat?!!


Not beating myself up for skipping a day of morning meditation. Or for forgetting to ask for a decaf macchiato that second time around at Starbucks though my evening self regretted it deeply.

Without my knowing at the time, attended my last full session of IOP. Still a lot of mixed feelings.

Dinner with a side of not-for-profit accounting
Reached out to my mom for lunch last Friday after getting that unexpected 'boot' from treatment. Also had a post-work dinner with her on Saturday. Will be trying to incorporate more social/supported meals to compensate for the lack of outpatient support that IOP used to provide.

Ugly crying almost all day, every day. Letting it all out and remembering to breathe.


Made an inspired, delicious and nutritious breakfast quinoa bowl with a poorly fried egg, zaatar toasted nuts, arugula & cotija cheese


Before the play began...
Thursday evening was another monthly book club meeting, which went longer than I wanted it to. As usual, I had planned for it to end at a certain time so I could get home and accomplish XYZ. This accompanied with an overall tiredness consequently made me irritable. On the plus side, I noticed myself becoming irritable. Baby steps towards mindfulness.

One woman from the book club had free tickets Shakespeare in the Park and invited us to watch with her the following evening. It was good and I absolutely LOVED being outdoors in the evening but kinda unusual though I'm not sure if maybe all of these types of these plays are like this; it was Shakespeare's Merry Wives of Windsor...but set in a 1940s British-ruled India, which was confusing. What's also unusual is for me to be this social and go out two days in a row especially with the same people. I don't wanna say I am not longer feeling guilty for 'wasting time,' though I also don't think I am pushing down those feelings of guilt. I think the guilt is still subtly there. Is this what engaging in life feels like???

...And 2 hours later

Spent more time at a board game meetup than I had originally intended to but was still able to get stuff done afterwards. Being one hour behind my made-up schedule won't kill me. 

Another selfie because Monday.
Took some selfies even if I wasn't feeling all too great. 


Questions:
How are you doing with being compassionate towards you? 
Best thing you ate in the past week! 
Have you ever attended Shakespeare in the park or something like it?



No intention of writing a post today but very much warranted. And hey, isn't that what this is for, an outlet for my frustrations and reflections, planned or not? So I thought this would actually be the perfect (no such thing as perfect) occasion to write my feelings out, and hey look it just happened to be Thinking-Out-Loud day.



Said simply: Yesterday was an awful day. It felt like life itself was against me. It started off terribly and got worse. Having space now, after resting and taking a step back from my emotions (How very DBT of me), and after letting basically all my tears out, I can see how wallowing in the circumstances did not benefit me. I can see that yesterday was not all bad. In fact, at the end of the day I was feeling sorta...good?

Hmm, so the 2 major things that got to me on this fun Hump Day:

  1. My toilet clogged up. I went to pick out clothes for the day and next thing I know my bathroom floor was flooded. I tried calling maintenance and but both brought me to voicemail. After leaving a message for the on-call maintenance, I did what I could to clean it up and mentally took note that it was yet another thing to take care of later in my already long day. Simultaneously as I was trying to solve all of this, breakfast was heating up in the oven. And I had to leave for treatment in an hour. And I had planned to squeeze some homework in. I was getting all in my head and I knew it. I was future tripping.

    **As a side comment, on top of this, I was going to take the trash out and left it in the hall for a few minutes. I come out and find that my roommate's dog got into it. I swear I had a mini freakout that the dog ate something that would kill her.
  2. I went to IOP and let out a lot of said frustrations with the group, and was feeling better. Then to exacerbate the situation I learned that the number of insurance-covered sessions at IOP was up because of my lack of physical progress (aka weight restoration). Though I feel as does my therapist there that I've made leaps and bounds in terms of emotional/social/mental progress in the past 2ish months, those aren't things insurance companies care about. They want the hard tangible measures. (Insurance is a messed up system but that's a whole different rant.) Because I had already planned to leave IOP in a couple of weeks as school will be starting up soon, I wasn't unnecessarily upset that I would be leaving. I guess it was more that I wasn't leaving on my own terms. It was out of my control and I did not like it. Also, it was hard not to be hard on myself for the whole no weight restoration thing. Cue further frustration. 

In these most aggravating moments of life, when I am feeling oh so overwhelmed, I have learned to try to cheer myself up in the simplest of ways. For example, dressing up in a colorful dress and swiping on a bright lipstick

Post tear-filled therapy session. Look closely and you can even see remnants of tissue on my eyes. How flattering. 

OR semi-spontaneously (aka as spontaneous as I can get) going to Trader Joe's and buying random groceries. Strangely did not even feel guilty afterwards for spending on things I didn't necessarily need.

Satisfying snack + paired w/ roasted zaatar walnuts

Having said all this nonsense, I am feeling better today. Trying to focus on what I can do now rather than worry about those things that are in the hands of a higher power. 


Thank you for letting me vent for a bit. 💕  Hope I didn't sound too whiny. 

Questions:
What are your current frustrations? 
How do you soothe yourself and give yourself space? 
One thing you did yesterday for YOU! 

Hello & happy, happy Monday!!! I spent the past few days in Austin, Texas to visit my cousins. My aunt, her maltese, my sister and I left Friday afternoon and drove back to Dallas yesterday. T'was pretty low-key and relaxing. Much needed. Though because I feel like basically all we do in there is eat--my family (myself included) is filled with food snobs--,it was anxiety-inducing on the ED front. But I felt I did a pretty good job of just living in the moment and coping with feelings of uncomfortable fullness. I also feel like I should have felt guiltier than I did for not being technically "productive." Basically, I felt guilty for not feeling guilty... Siiigh. These Kaylee problems.

In spite of this, or rather because of this, I'm sharing our adventures of the weekend through Meghan's awesome link-up that reminds me that even the things that aren't necessarily to-do list productive are still accomplishments. Family time, socialization, bonding, LIVING ≠ waste.



In chronological order, here's a high-level view of what went down:

Friday
  • Quickly posted some link lovin' prior to leaving last Friday
  • Made our way over to Austin with 0 nap for me, which is unusual, and for that I consider it an accomplishment 😉
  • Feasted at a late night Ethiopian dinner. If you've never had Ethiopian cuisine, the typical base of any meal is injera, a sour-tasting flatbread made with teff flour. They served all our food communal style over the injera on a giant platter. Our bellies and souls left feeling really, really happy. 
Even the food was smiling

Saturday


Post SUP sweat faces


  • Spent the first part of the morning stand-up paddle boarding in the almost too hot summer sun
  • Went for an early lunch at Dai Due, a butcher-shop style restaurant. Aside from our individually order dishes, we got the CenTex Mezze appetizer to share. Components included: marinated carrots, pecan sweet pepper spread, beet puree, among others. 
  • Then we went for our first ice cream, err, gelato of the day. I split a small scoop with my aunt and got the fromage blanc & blueberry..
  • After a round of showers at my cousins' place, we went house hunting, something we absolutely love to do. We even joke about going to random open houses in the neighborhoods but is it a joke really...In another life, I swear we would've been a family of house flippers not chemists. Unfortunately, however, while hopping from house to house we got caught in the random storms that stayed throughout the evening. 
  • Then it was dinner time! We went to a Peruvian restaurant and I got the vegetarian platter that included all my favorites--corn, fried yucca and plantains!!! 😍

  • Second ice cream of the day, an early celebration of Sunday's National Ice Cream Day. I convinced them to try Sweet Ritual, a vegan ice cream shop that was featured on Buzzfeed's best soft serve places in the US. Due to my unfortunate almond and peanut allergies, I got a scoop of the sunflower seed butter based dark chocolate chip, which was equally delicious. 
  • Then it was time for evening games! We played Machi Koro, which we've been on a kick on for some time now. Didn't win but it was a close match towards the end. 




Sunday
  • Squeezed in some homework before the rest of the clan got out of bed.
  • Got our at Whole Foods' 365 concept in Austin. There was a local bakery/beer place & juicery inside where we grabbed brunch as our final meal before heading out. 
  • FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY finished Tender is the Night, this month's book club pick that has taken me much longer than normal. Learning more and more that maybe I'm not meant for these "classic" novels.. 
  • After getting back from the road trip back home, I joined my parents for our last musical of this season: Finding Neverland! A semi-biographical story of JM Barrie and the Davies, the family that ultimately inspired the character of Peter Pan, it made me remember how much I miss being a kid and playing make believe. It's heartbreaking to come to that realization. On a positive note, the choreography and set were both stunning!  
Questions:
Anyone relate to the feelings of guilty around no guilt? 🙋
Have you tried Ethiopian or Peruvian food before? 
Did you do anything fun outdoors over the weekend?

Happy Friday friends!! I am headed to Austin for a weekend trip and thought I'd leave y'all with some reading to do over the next few days.

As much as I am incredibly grateful for the powers of the internet, this New Yorker article perfectly describes the nostalgia I have for a time pre-Internet, or more specifically pre-smartphones with Internet capabilities. The ability to create our own fun and be truly connected through disconnection, to not be distracted.

There's been a lot of controversy around To The Bone, the Netflix original that was released just today. Here are some things to know prior to watching. Also, slightly comforted to know that the cast and crew released a video on truths of eating disorders. hoping they play it before the movie I am likely going to watch the movie as I don't really find those types of things to be particularly triggering for me but please be . You know what is healthiest for your recovery.

Coming from someone who struggles to make meaningful, lasting friendships Robyn's advice was on point. 

I am sooo victim to digital amnesia, relying on my phone for basically everything. More aptly put:  

our ability to remember details of our day-to-day lives are declining as we grow more dependent on technology.

Really want to try these Headspace tips and tricks out, which is also in line with combatting those frustrations I shared a couple of weeks back. One way I feel I can easily work on this is by not using Google Maps and becoming better with directions and trusting my instincts. 

On unlearning and relearning what it means to be healthy

Oh my golly good gosh. After reading these cleaning tips, I realized how much I really need to clean more. On the plus side, I learned I've been over-washing my jeans so yay for potentially less laundry.  

Source

Thank you Kylie for reminding me something I've been realizing more and more: a meal is not always going to be as glamorous as expected. Happiness ≠ food. Food is food. 

Finally, Joyce's 3 Reasons for Body Nonjudgment for anyone struggling with body image acceptance or wants more body positivity in their lives. 

Questions:
Your thoughts on To The Bone? 
Any other cleaning habits/tips you suggest?
What is one thing you can do to decrease your digital amnesia?